


To See Our Glory

by Ahrensag



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Minor Chirrut Îmwe/Baze Malbus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-09-17 05:24:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9307211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ahrensag/pseuds/Ahrensag
Summary: Bodhi adjusts to life after the Empire and dedicates himself to the Rebellion. With Rogue One by his side, fining his place in the Rebellion should be easy... right?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a fic in years, so here's some Rogue One word vomit!  
> I own nothing.

The last thing Bodhi Rook remembers are the white streaks of light that flew past him as he engaged the hyperdrive, before his vision faded to black. Bodhi had been certain that he’d reached the end of the line, but was content in knowing that he’d- somehow- saved the rest of Rogue One. That thought comforted him as he allowed himself to let go.

So, naturally, he was more than a little shocked when he woke up, freezing, in a brightly lit, med bay. As he blinks slowly, Bodhi registers that he is not alone. His first reaction is to panic. Images of the Empire flood his mind, and his heart races as he looks around the room. He calms down as he realizes that this is no Imperial facility. To his right, Jyn dozes on a chair, her head resting on her knees. To his left, the hulking figure that is Baze is huddled closely to a cot, where Chirrut is quietly chuckling at whatever Baze has just said. There are a few more beds, most of them empty, and various mismatched pieces of medical equipment. His heart has finally returned to a normal pace when Chirrut calls, “Pilot, finally awake?”

Jyn jolts awake and Baze turns toward them. “Hi,” Bodhi rasps out. Jyn hands him a glass of water from a small table where a wilted bouquet of flowers stands.  
“It’s about time, what took you so long?” Jyn’s voice is exasperated, but a soft smile pulled at the corners of her mouth.  
“How do you feel?” Asks Chirrut. Baze grunts.

Bodhi takes a sip of the water, “I’m tired, and thirsty. Are you all okay?” They nod, explaining their various wounds, telling him the stories of their battle scars, and they sound as if those stories have been told many times before. The three of them joke with one another and call anyone out who exaggerates any details. Soon, they’re all chuckling, and Bodhi feels a sense of comfort he hasn’t felt since before joining the Empire. He finally works up the courage to ask, “Did we do it?”

Baze and Jyn share a glance, which makes Bodhi’s stomach drop. Jyn must notice, because she quickly reassures him, “Don’t worry, we got the plans out. A princess from Alderaan received them, but she was captured and sent them in her droid…” Bodhi sort of zones out a bit, but he does pick up some things here and there like “Luke Skywalker”, “Jedi”, and “Death Star is destroyed”.

“So we did it then? We won?” He can’t help the tinny sound of desperation that infects his voice.

“Not exactly,” replies Jyn. “We did a lot of damage, but the fight isn’t over. Not by a long shot.”

Bodhi thinks about that. He thinks about how, even with the destruction of the Empire’s greatest weapon, that they’re still out there, threatening the galaxy. Threatening his friends, now that he has friends. He can’t imagine the galaxy without Chirrut, Jyn, Baze, and C- “Cassian?” He practically yells, and his ragged throat protests. “Where is he? Is he alright? I can’t believe it took me this long to realize! Did he-.”

The door to the med bay slides open suddenly, and Bodhi can breathe again. Cassian is standing in the doorway, his brown eyes are frantic, and he grins when he sees Bodhi’s face. He’s wearing that fur-lined jacket again, and it makes Bodhi want to giggle. As he moves to the edge of Bodhi’s bed, all Bodhi can think is that Cassian’s face becomes softer when he smiles. “You’re awake! I, we, were so nervous, you’ve been out for so long that, well, we were nervous,” he chuckles a little. “I’m glad you’re awake, pilot.”

They’re all looking at him now, and Bodhi feels fidgety under their collective gaze. He moves to tug on his ponytail, but his fingers don’t feel his long, soft hair. No, all he feels is a recently shaved head. “What?” he breathes, and he notices his hands for the first time. The skin from the tips of his fingers all the way to where his arm disappears past the edges of the sleeves of his shirt is almost completely burned. The sight of his burns triggers something, and the pain finally registers. A deep ache, and the tug of new, scarred skin trails from his left leg, through his torso, and up the left side of his neck. Bile rises in his throat, and he pushes away the nausea with difficulty.

Bodhi looks at the others again, but he doesn’t know which is worse, seeing his own mangled skin or the pity in their eyes. “How long was I out?”

Cassian clears his throat, “Well, you were out long enough that we moved here, to Hoth. So it’s been, about, a month.”

“But you were in a Bacta tank for a lot of it,” Jyn explains. “Your burns were… extensive. It took a few weeks before you were healed enough that the doctors even considered taking you out. The move from Yavin was rough, but you’ve been in bed for, five days now?” The others nod a confirmation.

“They cut my hair.”

“Do you remember what happened on Scarif?” Cassian is looking at him with those eyes again, and Bodhi has to turn away.

“I- I was in the ship, and the message got through to the others, to get the gate open. Then there was a, it was a grenade. I should have died, really. I don’t know how I…. I’m not really sure about the rest, but somehow we were out of there.” His hands are shaking a little, and Bodhi brings them together in his lap.

“We can help you with the rest,” Chirrut smiles. “Well, not me really. I was unconscious the whole time.”

Jyn takes over, “First, you picked up Baze and Chirrut, then you found Cassian and I at the beach. You piloted us out of there. You saved us, Bodhi.”

“Again. You saved us again.” Cassian murmurs, and the others agree.

Bodhi leans back, feeling his skin smart. “What- what about the others? What about the rest?” He immediately regrets asking.

“We got the Death Star plans, their sacrifice wasn’t for nothing” Jyn says softly, putting her hand on Bodhi’s shoulder awkwardly, though with sincerity

They’re all silent, the heavy burden of being a survivor blankets the room until a nurse walks in. She shoos those not in bed out and explains Bodhi’s injuries. He doesn’t really listen. The faces of the rebel fighters he piloted to Scarif to die shuffle like cards in his head. So many dead, so many he didn’t even meet, and the Empire still stood. The nurse leaves after spreading a thin layer of bacta across his burns, and turns the lights off.

His eyes adjust to the dim glow of the medical machinery, and he hears Chirrut fall asleep after saying good night. Bodhi brings his hands up to his face, only barely making out the scars on his skin. He flexes his hands just to feel the stretch of new, slowly healing skin. He turns on his side and closes his eyes.

Bodhi tries to sleep, but all he sees when he closes his eyes are the dead that couldn’t be saved. That he couldn’t save. Sleep doesn’t come, so he spends the night staring at the wall, listening to Chirrut’s even breathing, and wiping away the tears that spill down his cheeks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi begins adjusting to life in the Rebellion.

Three days after Bodhi woke up, Chirrut was released from the med bay, and Bodhi was forced to endure long hours of loneliness. The others visited when they could, brought his dinner from the cafeteria on base and told him about their days, but for the most part, he was left to his thoughts. There were moments where he would reach to play with his hair out of boredom and quickly lower his hand when he remembered. He also realized that he no longer had his goggles, another comfort he was used to fidgeting with that was gone. Without a companion and without his usual outlets for his nervousness, he was forced to recover in relative solitude.

A few days after Chirrut was released, Bodhi was approached by a doctor who introduced herself as Erim. She had dark hair and very large eyes. Her gaze made Bodhi squirm.

“I’m just here to ask you a couple questions, to make sure you’re doing alright.” She explained, “How are you feeling?”

“Achy,” Bodhi replied.

She smiled softly, “I mean, how are you feeling, emotionally?”

He took a breath to reply that he was feeling just peachy, but his breath caught in his throat. He coughed once. “I’m not sure.”

Erim nodded slowly and leaned into the back of the chair she’d pulled up to Bodhi’s bed. “Once you’re released, I’d like you to come visit my office. Just once or twice a week. You’ve been through a lot, and I want to make sure you’re adjusting well. I’ll leave you my information for when you’re ready to see me, Bodhi. And I do hope that you visit.” She wrote down the wing and office number where she could be found, and left without another word.

Bodhi wasn’t sure how to react to the doctor’s visit, and considered the implications of going to see her once he was allowed to leave. The Empire never had doctors like her. If someone was mentally… compromised, they weren’t seen or heard from again. He tried to swallow the feeling that always rose in his throat when thinking of the Empire. Does she think I’m going to snap? Go back to them? He scoffed, and trembled, at the thought, he would never go back to that. He supposed he would just remain here, with the Rebellion, though he hadn’t really thought about it. Will they let me stay? Or will they send me away, like the broken Empire pilot that I am? These questions dominated his thoughts for hours until Jyn and Cassian brought him some sort of soup. Minutes later, Baze and Chirrut joined them and Bodhi   
pushed aside any anxieties toward the future.

A week after that, he was finally allowed to leave the med bay. Cassian came to help him move into the room the Rebellion would be providing him. The rebel had brought Bodhi some clothes of his (old ones Cassian never wore anymore, he assured Bodhi), and as Bodhi changed, he could hear the nurse speaking with Cassian.

“While his burns are mostly healed, the skin is still delicate, make sure he applies bacta gel every morning and night. He’s also still taking pain medications, so he’ll need to take one pill with each meal for a couple more days, and then only when needed.” She said more, but Bodhi was distracted by his annoyance that the nurse assumed he couldn’t do that on his own. He didn’t need someone monitoring him, he was fully capable of taking care of himself.

He tied the left boot that Cassian had lent him, only slightly too big, and returned to the conversation. “I’m ready to go.”

The nurse nodded while handing over a release form for Bodhi to sign, and he was free.

Bodhi was practically giddy as he walked through the med bay doors and into a hallway that looked as if it were carved from snow. It was strange, and cold, and nothing like anywhere he had seen while with the Empire. He loved it. Cassian watched as he took it all in, head swiveling back and forth with each step.

“Don’t want to miss a thing.”

Bodhi blinked, “What?”

“You just look like you don’t want to miss anything,” Cassian chuckled. You’re like a… like a child.”

Bodhi tried not to look offended at the comment, but, apparently, his distaste showed. Cassian waved his hands, “I don’t mean it like that! You’re very much not a child. It’s just that, well, I haven’t seen something like that in a long, long time.”

“Something like what?”

“Innocence.”

Cassian’s gaze was strong, and there was something glinting in his eyes that Bodhi couldn’t quite place. He realized that they’d both stopped walking, and he took a step forward as he broke his gaze. Cassian started walking again, and Bodhi followed, a strange heat rising in his cheeks.

“You don’t have to take care of me, you know.” Bodhi glanced at Cassian from the corner of his eye. “I heard the nurse talking with you. I’m fine on my own, I’ve had a lot of practice.”

Cassian nodded in time with his steps, “Yes, I suppose you have.”

They saw other rebels as the passed through the halls, though they were more like passages than anything else. It made him think of something a pilot had once told him long ago, of a place where people lived in houses made of snow. Igloos. They were called igloos. “This is a big igloo,” He said aloud, and Cassian quirked a corner of his mouth.

They passed what seemed to Strategist/’s quarters, then Analyst’s, and Intelligence’s, and finally the Pilot’s quarters. Bodhi expected Cassian to slow, that his bunk would be here, but Cassian kept walking. Bodhi tried to pry away the disappointment that latched onto his mind as he continued to follow the Captain. They rounded a corner and stopped at the first room on the right. Beyond were some more doors, looking just like all of the previous quarters they’d passed, though it was empty and chillier than the rest.

“Here you are,” Cassian muttered as he let Bodhi unlock the door with a key card.

The room inside was small, cold, and dark. There was one bed, a small desk and chair, and not much else. Though there didn’t appear to have any more space for much else. “Um,” Bodhi started. “The bathroom?”

Cassian pointed to a door a little way down the hall. “That’s that door there. It’s communal, but you’re the only one in this hall.”

“Why? Why am I the only one in the hall?”

Cassian looked at the floor and made no move to reply, though his silence was enough. Bodhi wasn’t with any of the other rebels because he wasn’t one of them, not really. The Rebellion had no idea what to do with him, they probably still thought of him as a threat. “Oh,” he breathed. Not even what he’d done on Scarif made him a Rebel.

Cassian looked a little guilty as he handed Bodhi a worn backpack. “There are some more clothes in there, a couple toiletries. You can shower if you want, but I’ll be back in a couple hours if you want to get dinner. Jyn and the others will be there too. So, I’ll be back to get you, then.” The last part sounded almost like a question, so Bodhi nodded a bit as a confirmation. Cassian hesitated a moment, then shuffled out the door.

Bodhi sat on his small bed, alone again, and clutched at the backpack. After a few moments, he opened it and sorted through its contents. He reached for the shampoo, then remembered that they’d cut his hair, so he grabbed just the soap instead. He walked to the bathroom, cold with misuse, and stood under the water, as hot as he could make it. His burns smarted under the heat, at least they weren’t as noticeable or troublesome as they’d been when he first woke up. He closed his eyes. If a few tears escaped, no one was any the wiser.

After he cleaned up (shaving had been strange, as the whole time he was staring at where his hair should have been), he laid in his cold bed for a couple hours until Cassian knocked on his door. When Bodhi greeted him, the Captain looked nervous. “Shall we?” Cassian asked, and Bodhi stepped out into the hall.

The two walked through the labyrinthine passages and the smell of food grew closer and closer. Bodhi’s stomach growled and he smiled sheepishly at Cassian, “Haven’t eaten all day.” That earned him a small smile, and Bodhi felt himself beam.

After two more turns, Cassian opened one of two double doors, and Bodhi was greeted by a crowd of people. Most of them were smiling, some were scowling, and a few didn’t even look his way. At the front of the crowd were Jyn, Chirrut, and a grumpy looking Baze.

“Congratulations, Bodhi!” Chirrut said with a grin. “You’re out of the med bay and in a room full of strangers, how fun for you!”

Bodhi was very, very confused. “What’s this?”

“It’s a party.” Jyn replied, “To celebrate you getting better. You missed the big medal celebration after the Death Star was destroyed, so we figured we’d make it up to you.”

“We?”

Cassian cleared his throat, “All of us.”

“Even me. But I had no choice in the matter,” Called a voice to his right, just as snarky and petulant as Bodhi remembered.

“Kay?” Sure enough, there stood K-2SO, battered and welded together from a mish-mash of parts, but standing.

Bodhi was shocked, “How did-?”

“Cassian had a back-up hard drive that Kaytoo constantly transmitted data to, though he couldn’t save any data from when we were on Scarif- the shield and all- but we filled everything in.” Jyn explained.

Bodhi grinned at the droid. Having another former slave to the Empire around was strangely comforting.

“Well,” grunted Baze, “now that we’re all here, can we start drinking?” This earned a smile from the rest of the group and they walked together towards the drinks.

The party initially made Bodhi extremely uncomfortable. He could feel stares boring through his spine at every time, and not all of them were positive. He noticed the way that some of the people in the room moved away when he came within their vicinity. His appearance at the snack table dispersed the crowd so quickly, he almost left the party right then. He saw the way their gazes shifted between suspicion and disdain. He tried to ignore them and focus on the people who were approaching him with well-wishes and congratulations for getting released, but he felt them nonetheless.

Once he started drinking, however, ignoring those accusatory glares became a lot easier, so he found it a lot easier to continue drinking. And he continued and continued until Cassian had to lunge forward to catch him. He’d stepped up on a chair (how did he get there?) and started thanking the room loudly and affectionately. And when he’d lost his balance, Cassian was there to break the fall.

“Okay, Bodhi. We’re going to go back to your room now.” Cassian heaved Bodhi’s slight, though surprisingly heavy, frame out of the room as the crowd gave a raucous goodbye.

Bodhi teetered his way through the halls, his arms tangled around Cassian’s neck, and he had to stop. His world was spinning, and he started to think about what was waiting for him once he entered his bunk. Cold. Loneliness. Rejection. Tears pricked at his eyes, “Please don’t,” he whispered.

“What? Don’t what, Bodhi?” Cassian crouched to be eye-level with Bodhi (how’d he end up on the floor?).

“My room. Don’t take me back there. I don’t wanna go. Lonely.” His words were increasingly difficult to get from his head, to his mouth, to Cassian.

The Captain sighed, “Alright, we’ll go to mine. It’s closer anyway.” Once again, Cassian hoisted Bodhi through the halls until they reached his quarters. Bodhi had been drifting in and out of reality the whole way there. The pilot struggled to keep his eyes open when Cassian made him drink a glass of water, and when he felt a pillow under his head, he lost consciousness almost immediately.

And though Bodhi didn’t remember it, he muttered sleepily, “Got sharp edges, but you’re soft. Very soft.”

In response, Cassian smiled gently at Bodhi’s words, and pulled a blanket over his resting form.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I like the way this chapter turned out, but I just really wanted Cassian caring for drunk Bodhi.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi grapples with the question of his future with the Rebellion.

Bodhi woke to an unfamiliar room and a headache so bad he felt as if there were needles being driven into his brain. Closing his eyes against the light coming from a lamp on a disorganized desk, he sat up slowly and willed the nausea rising in his throat to stay away. After a few seconds and many quick blinks, he adjusted enough to take a look around the room. It was larger than the one he had been given, though almost as sparsely decorated. A bed, a desk, a locker, a door for what Bodhi assumed to be a private ‘fresher, and plenty of space for something else. The only sign that someone lived there was the mess on the desk, some clothes piled on the floor, and the steam escaping through the crack at the bottom of the bathroom door.

The pilot began piecing the night together, the gratuitous drinking and uncomfortable stares, when Cassian stepped out of the bathroom with only a towel around his waist. Bodhi was suddenly acutely aware that he was in Cassian’s bed, and stood up quickly, fighting dizziness.

“You’re up,” Cassian said. Water clung to his hair and skin and steam was still radiating off of his body in little swirls. “You can use the shower in here if you want, but I have to get going soon.” Bodhi watched as a droplet of water rolled towards the towel around his hips.

Cassian looked slightly embarrassed as a light flush rose up his chest, and Bodhi realized he was staring. “Right. Yes, sorry. I’m going to get going too. Now.” He was moving to the door with burning cheeks, when something caught his eye.

Sticking out of a pocket of Cassian’s discarded jacket on the floor was the corner of a pair of goggles. Bodhi stopped and bent slowly to pick them up. He held them carefully, like an egg. “Are these mine?” He asked, bewildered. All sense of haste to leave the room was gone in an instant. Instead, the world seemed to slow down as Bodhi gently ran his fingertips across the lenses.

“Well, uh, not really. It’s just that,” Cassian stepped closer to Bodhi, holding his towel in place as he felt it inch down his hips, “yours were kind of destroyed, and it seemed like you were attached to them, so I got you a new pair. I wanted to give them to you at the party, but you were, erm, not in a good state.”

Before Bodhi knew it, he was hugging Cassian’s wet body, clutching him tight. “Thank you. You have no idea what this means to me.” His voice was hoarse, every emotion coursing through his mind threatening to spill out.

“Well, I’m glad you like it.” The captain’s hands barely rested on Bodhi’s back.

Bodhi came back to himself and pulled away with a jolt. “Right. Yes. Thank you, Cassian. I’ll let you change now. Thank you! Thanks.” He rushed out of the room, closing the door behind him. Before he made his way back to his empty room, he paused to tentatively put his new pair of goggles on his head. The strap felt strange on his shaved head, and this new pair was a bit heavier than the old, but he still felt a sense of comfort that he hadn’t felt at all since waking up. All trace of his hangover was gone as Bodhi walked through the halls, a small smile touching his lips.

After spending an hour in his room doing nothing but staring at a wall and fidgeting with his new goggles, Bodhi decided to have a look around and get his bearings. He quickly took one of the pain pills the nurse in the med bay had given him and applied a thin layer of bacta to his slowly fading burns. There was an immediate sense of coolness, and any aches hidden in his bones began to lessen as he laced up his boots and stepped into the hall.

Echo Base wasn’t too terribly difficult to get around. The passages all looked the same, but it seemed to Bodhi that all of the living quarters were on one side of the base, and everything else on the other. The mess hall and med bay were next to each other, and he finally found the hangar a little past that. The hangar was smaller than he was used to, and even colder than the rest of the base as it opened directly to the harsh Hoth tundra. Bodhi felt himself begin to shiver, but he didn’t care. This was his first time around any ships for months, and he couldn’t help but reach out and touch the ships as he passed.

Flying had been Bodhi’s only escape when he was a part of the Empire. Every horrible thing he had to witness, every crucial piece of cargo he had to help the Empire steal from people unable to fight back, every punishment he had to endure when he voiced any of his concerns, they were all lost when he was among the stars. Space was quiet, and dark, and isolating.

Bodhi longed to fly again, and dragging his fingertips across the hull of each ship he passed did nothing to fight the urge. He froze when the possibility dawned of him that the Rebellion may never let him fly for them. He was ex-Empire, after all, and he’d never been able to pass the flight exam to become a TIE pilot anyway, so why would he be able to pass the same type of exam here?

It was his nerves, he’d been told, that prevented him from passing the test. He was fine in the simulations, all focus and finesse, though he’d crack once a team member was blown to bits. From that point on, he would second guess every move he made. Each twitch of the joystick accompanied by thoughts of What if I’d done this differently? Or that? What if…. From there, Bodhi had no hope of going back. With each crack in his wall of focus, Bodhi’s confidence would crumble in his hands until some final, stupid move. Then, he was the one blown to bits.

He’d taken the test seven times before giving up, and just thinking about it made Bodhi doubt he’d ever be able to fly for the Rebellion. Whether they trusted him or not. And without flying…? Bodhi didn’t even want to think about it.

He was still touching the cold metal of a ship’s hull when he was snapped away from his thoughts. K-2SO was looming over him sounding exasperated.

“What?” Bodhi asked, dazedly.

“I said, are you feeling well? You don’t look very well.” The droid’s blunt attitude had remained, though the memories of Scarif had been lost.

“I’m fine,” Bodhi replied shakily. “I was just thinking.”

Kaytoo tilted his head, “About how you may never get to fly again?” Bodhi couldn’t even answer. He was so shocked that Kaytoo had known what he’d been feeling that his mouth just hung open as he blinked incredulously. “Don’t worry, Bodhi Rook,” Kay assured, “seeing as you piloted our friends out of Scarif alive, I’m sure you would be a most competent Rebel pilot. Also, your face is very expressive, I could see it in your eyes.”

Bodhi let out a shaky breath and allowed himself to smile at the droid in front of him. Bodhi was just that easy to read. What would Cassian Andor, captain of Intelligence and expert spy say?

Bodhi felt himself relax, just a smidge. While Kaytoo’s words hadn’t driven away all of Bodhi’s anxieties, he did feel a warmth bloom inside of him at the reminder that he was the one who got off Scarif. He was the one who saved their friends. A small part of him began to hope that maybe, just maybe, he could be the Rebel pilot that he wanted to be. Now, what would Cassian say about that?

Bodhi spent the next few hours with Kay, the two talking about ships and the Empire. Mostly the Empire.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Kaytoo looked at Bodhi with a blank expression, even for a droid. “I suppose you’re just going to ask anyway.”

The pilot shifted nervously on the bench he was sitting at, across from Kaytoo. “It’s just that… well, you’re from the Empire.” Bodhi ignored the Obviously that was evident, even without the droid having to say it. He pulled his goggles off his head and fiddled with them. “Did you, when you were first reprogrammed, noticed how people looked at you? Like they didn’t trust you, or that you were still the enemy? Anything like that?”

The droid paused, and Bodhi could hear the literal gears turning. “I didn’t notice anything myself,” he said, “but Cassian brought it up once. It made him angry, though I don’t understand why considering people didn’t think he was the untrustworthy one. I didn’t much think abo9ut it, but it seemed to bother him. Why do you ask?”

Bodhi considered telling Kaytoo about how the looks he caught were enough to make him want to lock himself away in his small, lonely room. About how, even as he was having this conversation, he noticed other rebels walk by and do a double take only to turn and whisper to their companions. He considered telling Kaytoo, but decided against it. “No reason.”

“I find that answer vague and unconvincing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a really slow chapter, I promise it picks up in the next one. Just laying some ground work for the future!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading! I really didn't think anyone would take a second look at this fic, and the kudos and comments have just been incredible! I really hope you're enjoying this so far, and I swear that the plot picks up with the next chapter, please bear with me!
> 
> Much love to you all!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when Bodhi is getting settled, something goes wrong because nothing can be happy, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter picks up with some actual plot. Bodhi is still suffering and I'm so, so sorry. I honestly don't know why I'm doing this to him. He doesn't deserve this. I'm the worst.

Bodhi found a rhythm to life in the Rebellion. In the mornings, he would wake up and shower, get dressed then go to the mess hall to eat breakfast with Chirrut and Baze. Then he would go to the hangar to watch the comings and goings of the ships. Sometimes, Bodhi would find something in the junk pile that had accrued in the corner of the hangar and tinker with it. After a while, Bodhi had worked through most of the junk pile, fixing what he could, and moving it to the room that held working, extra parts. The more trusting pilots noticed and invited him to work on their ships. It felt good to have something in his hands.

After spending hours in the hangar, he’d get lunch, and usually Jyn was there. Bodhi loved to sit and talk with her. He’d seen her change so much since Jedha, and slowly, he saw her tension slip away as she found her place in the Rebellion. After lunch, he would walk with Kaytoo. Bodhi was in the process of teaching the droid Sabacc. Kay claimed that there was no point to it, but played anyway.

Bodhi began looking forward to dinners the most. That was when he could talk to Cassian. The rest of the day, the Captain would be sitting in on meetings with Command and going through intelligence. He’d be sitting at the table they frequented, and the bags under his eyes would disappear for a moment when he saw Bodhi come through the door. They would talk for hours, Bodhi asking Cassian about his life in the Rebellion, and swapping piloting stories. Sometimes, they would stay in the mess hall until they were the last two there, other times they would sit on the floor of Cassian’s room until Bodhi had to struggle to keep his eyes open. There were a few times where Bodhi had woken up, covered by a blanket and a pillow under his head. Cassian would be showering, and Bodhi would creep out of the room, grateful that Cassian never kicked him out.

For the most part, Bodhi was building himself a good life in the Rebellion. When he started getting the nightmares though, his new life began to crack.

Bodhi didn’t know why they started when they did. He’d been awake and settling in for weeks without incident.

One night, he’d woken in a cold sweat. He could still feel the wrapping tentacles around his face, could still feel the ripping apart of his mind. It took him minutes to see that he was in his room on Hoth, and not strapped into a chair with Saw Gerrera watching him be tortured. He didn’t sleep for the rest of the night.  
The day that followed, he’d been even more twitchy than usual. Jyn had dropped her knife, and Bodhi nearly jumped out of his skin when it clattered to the floor. She’d looked at him with the kind of concern that was reserved for him. Poor, nervous Bodhi. The broken, defected pilot. He’d left without so much as a goodbye.

The nightmares became a trend until they were happening every night. Sometimes it was Bor Gullet, other times it was watching his home blow up right before his eyes where he could swear he heard the screams of his family as they burnt to ashes. And sometimes, they were about the Empire. The worst, though, was when he dreamt of all of them at once. Bor gullet would reach into Bodhi’s mind and make him relive the terrors the Empire had out him through and made him commit, and then he’d watch his family die. They would look at him as if he were a monster, ignoring his pleas for them to leave with him, to escape their impending doom. Then, he’d watch them die, their disappointed and disgusted faces replaced by a too-bright, scalding light. The images would haunt him for hours.

After each dream, Bodhi would curl into himself and sob, his breaths would wrack his body but somehow not get enough air. Bodhi would gulp down his panic for what felt like hours until something in him would shift. Then he’d lay perfectly still, staring straight ahead, consumed by a numbness that was almost as painful as the panic.

Long after another nightmare, Bodhi got out of bed and rubbed his stinging eyes. He hadn’t slept a wink, too scared to let himself rest. He walked out of his room and into the hall refresher. As he stripped, he glanced at himself in a mirror. His hair was grown out a bit, and his burns were hardly noticeable anymore, but he still looked terrible. The bags under his eyes were heavy and dark. There were lines in his face he hadn’t seen before, barely covered by a shaggy beard, and Bodhi’s cheeks were hollow. He’d gotten thin.

There was a flicker of worry deep within Bodhi, but he ignored it and stepped into the shower to stand under the scalding water. It burned, and his skin turned a deep shade of red, but it gave him something to focus on.

After dressing, Bodhi forced himself through the hallways and into the mess hall. Without grabbing any food, he made his way to Baze and Chirrut, who looked concerned when Bodhi eased himself onto the bench.

“Are you alright, Bodhi?”

“You look like shit.”

He shrugged, unable to find the energy to answer verbally. Under their collective gaze, Bodhi began to fidget, a pang of panic ran up his spine and closed his throat. With effort, he choked out, “I’m just tired.”

Neither Baze nor Chirrut looked particularly convinced, the former frowned as Chirrut narrowed his milky eyes. Before they could say another word, though, Bodhi stood up and left.

“What did his face look like?” Chirrut asked, reaching over to clutch at Baze’s hand.

“Haunted.”

***

Bodhi found himself a quiet corner in the hangar and practically collapsed on the floor. Somehow his goggles made it into his hands and he pulled his knees to his chest. He tried to tell himself he wasn’t hiding, but even he wasn’t convinced.

The hangar wasn’t very busy, still too early for many people to be up and about, and no one so much as looked his way. Even when more people began to mill about, Bodhi was still mostly hidden in his little corner. He sat there for most of the day, fiddling with his goggles, and moved only once his legs started losing circulation.

Bodhi began to doze off when the sound of swiftly approaching boots brought him back to reality. He inched further into the wall and behind some crates, hoping that whoever it was, they would pass him by.

No such luck.

Cassian loomed over Bodhi. His face was unreadable. He bent at the knees to be eye-level with Bodhi, his breath was visible as little puffs curled around his face. It was cold, Bodhi realized, and with the realization he started shivering.

“What are you doing out here? Your lips are blue.”

Bodhi couldn’t meet his eyes and attempted to shrug, but his shivering had gotten so bad that it just looked like another tremor. A few of the pilots had stopped and staring in their direction, speaking to one another in hushed tones. Bodhi’s stomach dropped, he was absolutely mortified.

Cassian followed his line of sight to notice the quickly accumulating crowd. “Let’s get you out of here,” he reached towards Bodhi, but moved his hand back to his side when the pilot flinched involuntarily.

“I’m sorry,” Bodhi whispered.

Cassian shook his head, “Nothing to be sorry about.”

The two stood up, and Cassian offered Bodhi his jacket. He took it, grateful for how warm it was, still radiating Cassian’s body heat. Slowly, they walked to Cassian’s room, avoiding the gazes of all that they passed. When they got to Cassian’s room, he gently guided Bodhi to the bed before wrapping a large blanket him. It looked to be made of the same type of fur that lined Cassian’s coat. For a beat, they just looked at each other.

“You know, Baze and Chirrut are worried about you. Jyn too, she says she’s hardly seen you at all these days.”

Bodhi felt a tendril of guilt wrap around his throat. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Bodhi! You just need to talk to us!” Cassian’s voice had an edge to it, and Bodhi flinched again. “No! Oh, I’m doing this all wrong. Please don’t be worried, I’m not mad at you, none of us are, I promise,” he said much quieter. “We’re just really worried about you.”

Bodhi met Cassian’s gaze for the first time and felt tears threaten to spill. Cassian slowly moved to sit next to Bodhi on the bed and put a gentle arm around the   
pilot’s skinny frame.

“We’ve noticed that you haven’t been eating much lately. And you look so tired all the time. We— we just want you to talk to us. We want to help you, Bodhi,” his soft brown eyes bored into Bodhi’s own with so much left unsaid that it hurt.

He couldn’t speak, all Bodhi could do was give a small nod before the first sob wracked through his body. His cheeks burned with embarrassment, but he couldn’t stop crying. Cassian sat there and pulled Bodhi a little closer, squeezing Bodhi’s shoulder where his arm lay. They stayed like that until Bodhi was all cried out.

He wiped his nose on his sleeve. “I get these… these nightmares, Cassian. They’re horrible. They come every fucking night. Every night. I—I just don’t know what—what I can…” Bodhi couldn’t finish the sentence. Everything he was feeling crashed down on him from all sides, consuming him, leaving him helpless and confused.

Cassian didn’t say anything, so Bodhi continued. He told him about Bor Gullet, about seeing his family, about the Empire. Everything spilled from his mouth without him really thinking about it. Once he’d started, he couldn’t stop.

“I’m not as good or innocent as people think I am. I’ve done horrible things. I’ve watched the Empire kill dozens without lifting a finger. I’ve destroyed communities by taking their resources for Imperial army, for the fucking Death Star. I’ve been an accomplice to millions of murders. If I’d just acted sooner, had enough courage to defect immediately. You know, Galen Erso had to persuade me to deliver his message. It took weeks before I finally mustered enough courage to leave. If I’d agreed when I should’ve, those planets would still be here. My home city would still be here. My family would—,” Bodhi’s breaths were coming too fast. His lungs couldn’t find oxygen, and the edges of his vision were beginning to blur. The words It’s my fault racing through his mind on repeat.

Just as he felt himself slipping deeper into the panic attack, he registered Cassian’s hand catching hold of his own. The Captain pulled Bodhi close and rubbed circles on his back. Bodhi’s first instinct was to pull away, but Cassian was so warm and gentle that he didn’t have the heart.

“I get them too,” Cassian murmured. “I’ve done things too, for the sake of the Rebellion. I’ve seen things no one should ever have to. I watched my father die right in front of me. My mother… we never found her body. I’ve killed. You’re not alone in this, Bodhi. You have us. You have me.” Cassian continued like that for a while, a low and steady cadence that buried itself deep in Bodhi’s being.

He sat there, ear to Cassian’s chest, letting his body release the anxiety that had built itself a home atop his heart. Bodhi felt his shoulders start to slump and his breathing even out. His eyelids fluttered and closed. All the sleepless nights and energy spent on trying to keep himself together caught up to him at last.

Bodhi fell into a deep sleep as Cassian held him close.

“Don’t worry, pilot,” Cassian whispered against Bodhi’s hair. “I’ve got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Your comments and kudos give me so much life and I love you all! Next chapter will also pick up the pace of the plot, so keep an eye out for it.
> 
> Thank you again, this fic has become my baby, so I hope you still enjoy it!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi finally gets some help!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry this took so long to get out! The last couple weeks have just been so hectic and I've hardly had any time to write something that isn't school or job related. Thank you for your patience and I apologize in advance for how short this chapter is, I'm really not too proud of it, but I just wanted to get something out so you all didn't think I'd abandoned you!

Bodhi woke up on Cassian’s bed slowly, blinking away the first uninterrupted sleep he’d had in a long time. Cassian sat at his desk, tapping on his data pad. Bodhi considered trying to go back to sleep, but Cassian turned and caught his gaze.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, brown eyes full of concern, as the pilot sat up. Bodhi had seen that look before, whenever Cassian had to send others off on a mission, and when they were on the way to Scarif when he’d surveyed the soldiers who would die on the sand. Bodhi had seen that look many times, but never as intense as it was now.

“I’m okay, I’m good, a lot better.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Bodhi couldn’t make himself lie, not when he felt the waves of genuine worry that radiated from Cassian. “I guess not.”

Cassian nodded in a way that told Bodhi he was deep in thought, an unconscious bob of the head. Bodhi crossed his legs and grabbed his ankles to stop his hands from wringing. These kind of moments terrified him. He’d had a roommate when he’d just joined the Empire named Lexame. They’d had a breakdown two months into flight training and he’d never seen them again. Fragile mental states were unacceptable, and there had been times where Bodhi had only just held himself together, remembering the uniformed men who’d dragged a shrieking Lexame away.

“Bodhi, do you trust me?”

The question caught him off guard, “Of course I do.”

Cassian nodded again, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t even know what ‘it’ is.”

“Would it help if I just asked you some questions?” Cassian must have noticed Bodhi tense because he quickly added, “They wouldn’t be anything too serious, they would just, uh, be a starting point? Maybe it will help a little, to just talk about things.”

Bodhi relaxed again, “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.”

“Alright then,” Cassian moved the desk chair to sit in front of Bodhi. He gave a fleeting smile, “What is your favorite food?”

“That’s the question you’re going to start with? Really?” Bodhi let out a laugh, and then another because it felt good, and then he broke into giggles.

Cassian looked bewildered, “I figured it was an okay one to start with, you know? Do you want to ask me another? I could.”

Bodhi shook his head, “No, no. It’s a good question,” he collected himself. “I just wasn’t expecting something so normal.”

“So what is your favorite food, then?”

“Ras malai. It’s this dessert, it’s not that extravagant or anything, but my mum would make it for my sister and I on our birthdays. What’s your favorite?”

Cassian’s eyes lit up and he leaned forward, “Chilaquiles. Best food in the galaxy, I’m telling you. My chilaquiles are the best you’ll ever eat, Bodhi, I’m not kidding!”

“Do you cook a lot?”

The Captain shook his head, “Not really, I learned that the only way to cook well is when you cook to share with others. I never had many people to cook for.”

For a moment the two lapsed into silence, Bodhi wanting to ask Cassian a billion questions, and Cassian wanting to ask Bodhi the right ones.

“Bodhi?”

“Yes.”

“I want to help you, I do. I’m just not certain that I can.”

Bodhi deflated but tried to cover it with a shake of his head and a smile, “It’s okay. I understand,” but even he could feel his face fall.

“It’s not like that at all! I just know someone who specializes in this stuff, the things you’re dealing with right now, and she’s much better at it than I could ever be. I want what’s best for you, and she’s it. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Bodhi sighed, “I do. I get what you’re saying, I know you want to help.”

“Good,” Cassian looked visibly relieved. “Why don’t you grab a shower and some fresh clothes, and I’ll take you there.”

***

Bodhi followed Cassian through the icy passages towards the med bay, and although he trusted the Captain, Bodhi began to tense. “Cassian, where are we going?”

“We’re going to see someone, she’s someone I used to talk with when I was feeling… well, something like you do now.”

That eased Bodhi somewhat, but he still felt nervous. He pulled his goggles from his forehead and rubbed at the lenses with the pads of his thumbs. Cassian stopped a few feet ahead outside an open door, looking to belong to some sort of office.

He knocked on the doorframe, “Excuse me? If you’re not busy, I’ve brought someone who may want to talk to you.”

“Of course, please come in!” came a woman’s voice, and Bodhi swore he’d heard it before.

After Cassian ushered him inside, Bodhi knew why he recognized it. Sitting behind a small desk was the doctor he’d met after waking up—Erim was her name. She smiled warmly and gestured towards one of the chairs nearest him. He took a seat while Cassian remained standing.

“Bodhi, I’m very glad to see you. I’d worried you’d forgotten about me.”

Bodhi smiled sheepishly, “I did.”

“Well, it’s good to see you here now. Can you tell me why Cassian brought you to me?”

He nodded, “I’ve been having these nightmares. They’ve been, uh, affecting me negatively.”

“And would you like to talk about them with me? Everything that would be said would be kept in confidence, this would be a safe space for you.”

“I think… I think that would be very helpful, yes,” Bodhi clenched his goggles tight in his grip, his knuckles turning white.

When Erim noticed, she asked, “Would you like Cassian to stay?”

“I,” he paused, “I think I’ll be alright.” He looked up at Cassian, and in his gaze was something that Bodhi didn’t quite recognize. Something that looked like some sort of combination of relief and, was it pride?

“Well then,” Erim put the tips of her fingers against each other, “I’d like to start by getting to know you. Cassian, why don’t you come back in an hour?”

With a smile and a jerky nod, Cassian left, closing the door behind him. Bodhi turned back towards the doctor, squared his shoulders, and started from the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH this was so bad! I wanted to flesh this out more, but that will have to come in the next chapter. But really, I'm just happy that Bodhi's getting the support he needs.
> 
> Thank you all so much for the support and comments, hopefully I'll go back to updating quickly, as ideally my life will get its shit together very soon.
> 
> Much love to all of you!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi finally gets decent support! And he is healing! Yes!

Bodhi’s visits to Erim’s office became a weekly endeavor. The first few times, Cassian had dropped him off and would be waiting for him once the session was over. The fourth week, Bodhi left his room to see Cassian leaning against the opposite wall, as was expected.

“I can get there on my own, you know,” Bodhi huffed.

Cassian shifted his weight, “I know that. I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”

“You don’t have to baby me,” Bodhi took a step towards the other man, “I’m an adult and I can take care of myself. I appreciate your support, you’ve done more for me than you can imagine, but this is something I need to do on my own.”

Cassian nodded, lowering his gaze, “Yes, you’re right.”

“How about I come find you after the session?”

“That sounds just fine.”

***

“Bodhi, no Cassian today?” Erim seemed surprised.

“I figured I could do this on my own, no escort needed.”

She quirked the corner of her mouth, “Well, I’m glad you got here in one piece,” she paused. “I was hoping you could tell me a little bit about how you’ve adjusted to life in the Rebellion. A shift in gears, if you will.”

Up until now, Bodhi had mostly discussed life before he defected. His home, his family, even what he experienced in the Empire. It was cathartic, and most days, Bodhi would talk through the whole session with hardly any pause. Now, however, his mouth ran dry. He hadn’t talked with anyone about the past months, not really.

“Have the nightmares let up any? You mentioned once that you’d never had any like them before joining us.”

“Uh, I still get them. I’m getting better at calming down after, though.”

“Do any of your friends other than Cassian know about them?” She asked.

Bodhi hadn’t told anyone, but he had a feeling that the totality of Rogue One knew about them. “I think they have the general idea.”

“And they provide support?”

“Yes,” he said. And they did. He’d become closer to Jyn, Chirrut, Baze, K2, and Cassian over the past weeks than he’d ever thought he could. He hadn’t felt as cared for and safe since before the Empire, with his family. Rogue One was his family now. “Chirrut and Baze, they just know, they understand. I feel comfortable with them. And Jyn puts up a tough exterior, but she’s kind and fierce in a way that reminds me of her father. Kaytoo, well, Kaytoo is still a prick most times, but I like him.” Bodhi grinned fondly. It felt good to have friends, especially ones he actually liked, and who liked him back.

“And of course Captain Andor,” Erim leaned back in her chair, “He’s been very supportive.”

Strangely, Bodhi felt heat rush up his chest and face. “Yes, I mean, of course he has, I- he’s been, very helpful. Helpful indeed,” he spluttered, “He’s a good friend. A good man.”

“Do you feel differently towards him than the others?”

“No! Not at all. He’s just been helpful, is all. He’s a captain.”

“I’m aware of his rank.”

Bodhi didn’t know how to respond, and silence blanketed the room in a way that he did not like at all. He reached for his goggles and pulled them from his head.   
The strap caught on a few strands of his slowly growing hair and he winced.

With a glance at the goggles in Bodhi’s restless grasp, Erim asked another question, “Have you felt as if there are those who are… less than cordial towards you?”

He felt momentary relief at the subject moving away from Cassian, but his anxiety returned immediately, “You could say that,” When Erim didn’t reply, Bodhi continued speaking. “No one has actually approached me about it, but I can still feel it. People look at me differently. I-I don’t even live with anyone else! I’m in a cold hallway all on my own, separate from everyone. I try not to let it get to me, I mean, I guess I understand why it is the way it is. But there are other defectors in the Rebellion! What makes me so… so… so wrong. I helped deliver the Death Star plans, for fuck’s sake. I almost died on that stupid planet, I risked everything, I lost everyone! What’s so bad about me? Why can’t I be trusted?

And the worst part is that no one acknowledges it, not even Cassian! I know he sees it, and I know he knows I see it, but it’s like he’s afraid to talk about it. It makes me feel crazy, like I’m being paranoid. I hate that this is happening, and I hate the way it makes me feel!” Bodhi felt a tear drop fall on his white-knuckled hands, clutching the frames of his goggles tight. He didn’t realize he’d started to cry, and wiped the tears from his face with more aggression than necessary.

“Did you know that I defected from the Empire?”

Bodhi gasped, “Wait, what?”

Erim nodded, “It was once I realized that they didn’t want me to actually treat the Stormtroopers they sent my way, they wanted me to report on whether they were useful or not. Whether they would carry out the missions the Empire gave them. I felt awful, and I looked for ways to punish myself. Every wary look turned into a hundred to me, and friendliness faded to the background. I’m not saying that what your feeling is just you being paranoid, because there will always be people who don’t understand your actions. What I am saying, Bodhi, is that you’re a good man, and I know that there are more people who see that than you think.”

As Bodhi left Erim’s office and looked for Cassian, he thought about what she had said. He looked at the way the people glanced at him when he passed, some with small smiles and nods, some ignoring him completely, and he began to see some truth in the idea that, just maybe, he wasn’t universally despised. It was a concept that was new, a little scary, but very welcome. And when he practically barreled into Cassian as he rounded a corner, he felt practically giddy.

“Whoa, are you alright?” Cassian asked, grasping Bodhi’s shoulders to steady him.

“Not everyone hates me!”

Cassian cocked an eyebrow, “I’m glad to hear that.”

With a grin, Bodhi bumped his shoulder into the captains as he passed, “I’m starving, let’s get some lunch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and sticking with me. These past couple weeks have been so busy, and I think they will remain so in the near future, but I am not giving up on this fic because I love Bodhi too much!
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and comments and, as always, my love goes out to you all!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Rogue One crew gets a mission, and Bodhi gets Feels.

Weeks passed and Bodhi continued seeing Erim. It felt good to be able to talk about how he felt without the uneasiness of thinking that he’d be tossed away as defective, which was a legitimate fear in the Empire. He still had nightmares, and his anxiety was an ever present whisper, but Bodhi found a kind of control over those parts of him that he’d never imagined having control over. No, the panic attacks didn’t stop, but he learned how to recognize the symptoms, and what to do to help himself come down from them when they did happen. Other than defecting from the Empire, it was Bodhi’s proudest accomplishment.

He also noticed himself reaching out to others more. Not only to the members of Rogue One who had become his family, but to other rebels, particularly a few of the pilots. He first met a woman named Rosh Kayle, a Y-wing pilot with a sharp tongue and even sharper wit. She’d noticed him tinkering with some parts in the hangar and struck up conversation, eventually asking him if he knew anything about Y-wing mechanics. When he’d replied that he didn’t, she’d shown him her ship and they’d become fast friends. There was another, Quia, another Y-wing pilot who simply sat with Bodhi in the mess hall one day and started talking. They had kind eyes and a gentle aura about them which made Bodhi feel at ease.

Bodhi felt like he was truly finding a place for himself in the Rebellion, and it excited him. He did, however, miss flying. He’d brought this up with Jyn one morning, and she must have told Cassian, because not two days later, he’d approached Bodhi with a grin and asked if he wanted to go for a spin around Hoth. Bodhi was so happy he almost cried, and most definitely wanted to kiss him for it, a thought he quickly shoved aside.

“We won’t get in trouble for this?” he’d asked, practically skipping to the hangar.

Cassian gave a sheepish smile, “It’s not technically an officially sanctioned trip, but if we’re quick no one will be the wiser. Also, it’s pretty late and there aren’t too many people in the hangar to see us leave.”

“Cassian Andor, breaking the rules. A rebel in its truest form!”

“Yeah, yeah. Just keep walking, pilot.”

The ship, the one that Bodhi was going to fly, was a battered U-wing, and the sight of it was possibly the best thing he had ever seen. They sat in the pilots seats and Bodhi stared at the console for the moment as Cassian watched.

“Well, Captain Andor, are you ready?”

“When you are.”

Lift off was shaky, but Bodhi quickly got a hang of it. He was an adaptable pilot, he’d been told as much during his training, and without the fear of an Imperial officer looking for a reason to fail him, Bodhi handled the ship like he’d been born in it. They circled the planet three or four times, mostly in silence, and Bodhi with a grin plastered on his face the whole time. Each time Cassian looked his way, Bodhi could see his eyes crinkle with a smile out of his peripheral. It was exhilarating. When they, very reluctantly, landed, Jyn was waiting nearby to greet them.

“Tell me, is all of Hoth a frozen wasteland, or is it just the part that we have to stay?” she asked, hands on her hips and a twinkle in her eye.

“Oh, it’s completely frozen! But it was amazing Jyn, I missed flying so much! Thank you, both of you, you can’t know how much that meant to me.” Bodhi, with a moment of hesitation, embraced them both in a short hug. He felt a blush creep up his torso, bodily contact like that wasn’t normally his cup of tea, but they deserved it. He felt happier now than he had in a long time. “Um, okay then. Food?”

Cassian and Jyn nodded, and the three went to grab a late night snack.

***  
“Now breathe out, and clear your mind,” said Chirrut, his face as serene as ever.

Bodhi closed his eyes and tried to expel the small bit of worry that always clung to the corner of his mind. He’d been meditating with Chirrut for some time now, an activity Erim whole heartedly encouraged, and while it was getting easier, he couldn’t make his mind the blank slate he wanted it to be.

“Let go of your frustration, Bodhi.”

He sighed, and tried again. He scrunched up his nose, and with gusto, forced his breath and anxieties from his body. There was a moment of complete mental silence, which Bodhi all but immediately dispelled due to overwhelming excitement. His eyes opened, “I had it, I felt it!”

Chirrut chuckled, “The next step is learning to keep it.”

The door to the quarters opened, and Baze stepped inside. When they had first returned, the Rebellion had initially given Baze and Chirrut separate rooms, but the two couldn’t be separated, and shared the quarters that Bodhi was attempting to meditate in now.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Baze said as he stepped into the room. He didn’t look that sorry. “Captain Andor sent for us.”

As Bodhi got up to follow Baze and Chirrut out of the room, he felt a twinge of worry work its way to his chest. What is this? He tried to calm himself with deep breaths and tried to clear his mind. It helped a little, but he couldn’t help but think the worst. Were they kicking them all out if the Rebellion? Was Rogue One to leave? These thoughts raced around his mind the entire walk to a room he’d never been in before.

It was cold, just like everything else on this planet, and set up like an amphitheater. There was a screen in the front of the room glowing with planet specs. The rest of the room was circular, facing the screen, and Bodhi saw Jyn was leaning against a wall to the left. A woman stood at the front, and Bodhi knew exactly who she was. The princess. Cassian stood with her, though a few steps behind. He caught Bodhi’s eye, and his lips twitched in a small, reassuring smile. It calmed him considerably.

The princess spoke, “Thank you all for coming. I’m going to skip the pleasantries and get right to it. We’re giving you a mission.”

Silence.

“It’s not nearly as dangerous as Scarif,” she continued, “but it will take a certain amount of stealth. We’ve noticed Empire activity around Yavin IV. Because we left the planet so quickly after the destruction of the Death Star, we left some data behind, and we need to make sure that data is either destroyed or back in our hands before the Empire finds it. This is your mission. Captain Andor has the specifics and will answer any questions you may have, but we need you to go as soon as you can.”

Bodhi glanced at Cassian and tried to read his face. The trouble being that Cassian is the best spy in the Rebellion, and his face gave nothing away.

The princess made a move to leave, her parting words being “May the Force be with you.”

When the princess left, Bodhi looked at the faces around him. Chirrut was grinning, Baze grimacing, and Jyn had a definitively set jaw. Bodhi looked at Cassian again, and he was already in motion.

“Alright everyone, Kaytoo is preparing our transport as we speak. You have an hour to pack before we go, I’ll meet you in the hangar.”

Before Bodhi could say anything, the Captain was out of room. He pressed his fingers to the frames of his goggles, and left to gather his things from his room. He packed and made his way to the hangar in a daze, still trying to process the fact that he was going on his first, real mission as a Rebel. It was as exciting as it was nerve racking.

He was the last one to get to the ship, a cargo ship not unlike the one he flew for the Empire, and dropped his things on the only empty bunk. He worked his way, to the flight deck and saw Cassian in the pilot’s seat.

“How long will this mission be?” Bodhi asked, standing behind Cassian.

“About a week to get there, a week at most to find the data, and a week to get back.”

Bodhi nodded, “Exactly how dangerous will this be?”

Cassian turned and looked at Bodhi, his eyes gazing into Bodhi’s, “I’ll keep you safe. All of you.”

“I know that,” Bodhi scrubbed a hand over his face, “but who’s going to keep you safe?”

Cassian blinked, a look of surprise passing across his features, “I haven’t had to think about that in a very long time.”

“We’re a team, Cassian. If this mission really is going to be dangerous, you can’t be trying to protect us all without letting us protect you too. We’re- we’re a family. Families keep each other safe.”

Cassian didn’t say anything. Instead, he continued to stare at Bodhi, his expression softer that he’d ever seen it, and Bodhi felt his heart stutter.

“Bodhi, I—“

Cassian was interrupted as Kaytoo stepped on the flight deck. “We’re ready,” he declared.

Bodhi nodded with Cassian, and stepped aside so Kay could take the copilot’s chair. He stayed there for a moment, watching Cassian flip switches and press buttons, firing up the ship. His mind was racing, and he felt something in his gut, something he couldn’t name. Bodhi frowned as he turned away, unsure of himself, of the mission, and of whatever he felt towards Cassian. He made his way back to his bunk and collapsed, his bag he’d dropped earlier dug uncomfortably into his side, but he hardly noticed it.

This mission would be an interesting few weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so so so much for your support! This fic has become my baby and to see the wonderful feedback that you are all giving gives me warm fuzzy feelings.
> 
> This chapter is a bit longer, but I still feel like the part where they get the mission is a bit rushed. That being said, I got really excited about them all going on mission, so that's definitely a factor.
> 
> Anyways, I'm super excited for the mission, so many feelings are going to happen, I promise!
> 
> Thank you all again xoxo


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR FOLKS!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I am so, so sorry that it's taken me so long to upload. My life is so insane this semester, and I've been doing interviews the past couple weeks, and I've had essays due, so that's why this is coming so late. That being said, I worked really hard on this chapter, and I really hope the wait will have been worth it!

The first few hours on the shuttle were full of short conversations and everyone moving about restlessly, not sure what exactly to do. The first to go their own way was Jyn who knocked Bodhi’s shoulder with a smile as she passed him before flopping down on her bunk and pulling out a datapad to read. Bodhi then noticed Baze and Chirrut move towards the galley, and Cassian meandered back to K2 on the flight deck.

Bodhi sat on his bunk, his now unpacked bag was hanging nearby and his few items of clothing were folded underneath the bed in a cubby. He tapped his foot against the metal floor as he gazed around the room. It was his first time taking a good look at the ship that would be his home for the considerable future. It was older, but clean, and slightly clinical. It looked a lot like the ships he piloted for the Empire. Bodhi didn’t know why this shocked him, ships are ships regardless of what side flies them, but it surprised him all the same. Maybe he was expecting some anti-imperial graffiti, or streamers, or something.

“What’s on your mind?”

“What?” Bodhi asked, blinking to refocus.

Jyn was leaning with her elbows on her knees, “What are you thinking about?”

“Honestly,” he sighed, “it’s a little strange how similar this looks to the shuttles I flew for the Empire. It’s weird is all. I don’t know why it’s weird to me, ships basically look the same on the inside, but, I don’t know. It’s just…”

“Weird?”

“Yeah, weird,” Bodhi shrugged his shoulders and allowed a small smile. “Does that sound crazy?”

Jyn shook her head, “No. The Empire was all you had for a long time, it makes sense to relate the world to your experiences. I’m still getting used to the fact that I have a home in the Rebellion, I’m still so used to being on my own. But we’re both here, we made it this far.”

Bodhi’s smile widened, “Yeah, yeah we did.”

Jyn grinned at him before reclining on her bunk again and going back to her datapad. Bodhi relaxed in his own bunk, the traces of a smile still stuck to the corners of his lips.

***

By late into the second day, a sort of system had managed to work itself way into the ship. Jyn and Baze, who weren’t accustomed to long trips at warp speed with no external indications of a 24-hour day, found themselves growing tired and irritable. Even Chirrut was visibly affected by flying through space for more than a few hours. So, to keep relative peace and minimal grumpiness, they’d all found themselves taking shifts on the flight deck, two at a time, to keep an eye on the systems while the others either slept or tried to orient themselves to extended time in space. Even K2 took breaks, but that was only because everyone could only take so much of the droid’s attitude (even when K2 was silent, the sarcasm was palpable).

Bodhi and Cassian found themselves spending the most time on the flight deck. Both were used the infinite passing of stars that streaked past them, both used to the long hours of silence accompanying that infinity. Even so, they didn’t cross paths too often, them knowing that they and Kay should always try to partner up with any of the other three who knew close to nothing about space travel.

Bodhi found himself sitting next to Baze, his skinny legs folded underneath him on the pilot’s chair. They’d just taken over for Chirrut and K2, a partnership that amused Bodhi to no end, and he could still hear Chirrut convincing the droid of the existence and sentience of the Force. Kay had given up on arguing on the matter.

Baze chuckled softly, and he and Bodhi found themselves in a companionable silence. Baze had made Bodhi nervous at first. He was big and hulking with a face that read “I’ll kick your ass”, and his quietness only added to the air of intimidation. But after spending time with he and Chirrut, Bodhi saw the gentle, kind soul beneath the harsh gaze and giant gun. Not to mention that Baze was also from Jedha, and Bodhi had found a small part of his home in him.

An hour passed before either of them said a word, and, shockingly, it was Baze who broke the silence.

“How old were you when you left your family?”

Bodhi pulled his gaze away from the stars flying past, “I was seventeen.”

The assassin nodded, “We do what we must for the ones we love.”

Neither of them said anything after that, they had said so much with so little, but Bodhi felt a small pressure lift from his chest nevertheless. He joined the Empire knowing full well that it was the enemy, but what else was a skinny kid with a dream to fly and a family to feed going to do? It was still wrong, and it always would be, but if a man who’d seen the worst of what the Empire had done to their home could see past that, then maybe forgiveness was possible. There was an understanding between the two, no matter how different their paths had been.

We do what we must for the ones we love.

***

It was roughly 3am, or so Bodhi’s clock said, when he jolted awake in a cold sweat on his bunk. His nightmares had become less regular, and he’d hoped to avoid them while on the mission, for the flying parts at least, while sharing bunk space with everyone. And though he knew that no one would think less of him for them, he still felt a flicker of embarrassment at the thought of the others’ concern.

When he came to full consciousness and got his bearings, he fell silent and still, listening to see if he’d woken anyone up. Bodhi had become much better at winding down after a nightmare, and while his heart was still racing, he didn’t feel the tell-tale signs of a panic attack. He sent a silent thank you to Erim and hoped that he hadn’t woken anyone up.

After a few beats, Bodhi thought he was in the clear, but then he heard, “Bodhi?” from a groggy Jyn. “Is everything okay? Are you alright?” Her voice was hushed, but concerned.

Bodhi felt his face burn, “I’m fine. Please, go back to sleep.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, go to sleep.”

There was a moment where Bodhi thought she would argue, but he saw the shadow of her form in the dark sink back into the bunk after some hesitation. When Bodhi was confident she’d fallen back to sleep, her deep breaths in tandem with those from Chirrut and Baze some meters away, he quietly got out of his bunk. He grabbed a sweater to pull over his shoulders and tip toed to the flight deck.

Cassian and K2 were there, having relieved Baze and Bodhi only hours ago, and Cassian looked shocked to see him again so soon.

“Is everything alright?” He leaned towards Bodhi, eyes alert.

“Yes, I just had…” Bodhi trailed off with a small shrug, knowing Cassian would understand.

The Captain’s dark eyes widened, “Do you want to talk about it?”

In all honesty, Bodhi did want to talk about it. He only remembered an image, the one frame his memory held onto before consciousness obliterated the rest, and he didn’t know how to interpret it or how it made him feel. He’d been holding Cassian in his arms, fingers hovering above the bloodied, pulpy mess that had been his torso. All the light had been gone from Cassian’s dark, soft eyes, his last words that Bodhi couldn’t remember still etched into the corners of his mouth. Bodhi had dreamed about his friends dying before, but this time was different. The image seared itself behind his eyelids and made his stomach lurch in a wholly unfamiliar way.   
It was confusing, and made Bodhi nervous.

“Um… I don’t really remember much of it,” he steeled himself, “but you were- you were in it.”

Cassian didn’t look nearly as surprised as Bodhi thought he would, “Well, of course I was.”

“Sorry- what?”

He shook his head a little, “Bodhi, we’re on our first real mission as a team. It makes sense that you would be having dreams about all of us.”

“It wasn’t about everyone, Cassian. It was about you.” The second he’d let the words escape his mouth, Bodhi regretted it.

Shock passed over the featured of Cassian’s face, before he could control his features. Neither of them said a word.

“I’m going to leave, now,” K2 intoned, as uncomfortable as a droid could sound.

Bodhi stared at his feet as Kay passed, his fingers danced where he gripped his upper arms, and he pushed down the anxiety rising hard and fast in his throat.

“What, exactly, do you mean?” Cassian’s voice was level, not betraying any emotion, and Bodhi cursed him for it.

Without raising his eyes to the man sitting in front of him, Bodhi struggled to say, “I mean, all I can remember is you and only you. It was just a flash, but I know this one wasn’t… like the other nightmares I’ve had.”

“Different in that it was only about me.” It wasn’t a question.

“You were dead,” Bodhi whispered, “And it… I don’t know. I- I was holding you, and you were dead. I’ve never had this nightmare before, and I’ve never felt like, like this, after one. You make me, I feel safe when I’m with you, and you’ve done so much for me. And I know that you’re the captain of this team, and I get that, I just need this to be- I need to know! I’m just- just… this isn’t! I’m not sure- Cassian, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to be angry with me. I didn’t mean to, and I’m confused about- I can’t--“ Bodhi was working himself up, and the bubble of panic in his throat kept rising.

“Bodhi! Breathe, just breathe!” Cassian was standing in front of him now- when did he get there? - his hands were hovering over where Bodhi’s own were gripping, white-knuckled, at his shoulders.

Bodhi closed his eyes and focused on regulating his breaths. In… out… in… out. After what felt like an eternity, he opened his eyes and braved a glance at Cassian.

His brows were furrowed, and his face had the look Bodhi had only seen when Cassian was trying to work out a particularly puzzling problem.

“Are, are you angry with me?” Bodhi’s voice came out hoarser than he’d intended, and he winced at the sound.

Cassian stepped back in shock, “Why would I be angry with you?”

“I don’t know.”

The Captain scrubbed his hands over his face, “Bodhi, I could never be angry with you. I just want to be able to help you figure this shit out, but I don’t know how. I’m not used to these kinds of things and I just want you to be alright.”

“What does that even mean?” Bodhi spluttered, his frustration rising. “It’s not like I’m not a person! I may have trouble with dealing with my shit, but it can’t be that different from your own! I just want to talk to you as… as a friend, okay? The way that nightmare made me feel after, I think it means that I… care for you. A lot. And I need you to be honest about what that means to you.”

Cassian collapsed into the pilot’s chair. “I’m trying, Bodhi. I’m trying, and you deserve someone who’s better at this than I am. You deserve a better friend, one who won’t let how they, how they… feel… get in the way of what’s best for you.”

“Okay, and what does that mean?”

Cassian’s gaze found Bodhi’s, and he saw what could only be described as turmoil behind those soft, brown eyes. The air between them was thick and heavy, stifling the sounds of the ship as it surged through space. All Bodhi could hear was their breathing and the blood pumping in his ears. He didn’t dare move, only waited for Cassian to answer the question. He thought the anticipation would kill him.

“Bodhi,” Cassian’s lips formed the words carefully, “you’re the best man that I’ve ever known. You’ve been through so much, and you deserve someone who can help you heal. You deserve someone whole.”

“I’m not asking you to fix me,” Bodhi whispered, stepping hesitantly towards Cassian. “I just want you to be real with me.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Bodhi was standing in front of Cassian now. His face was tipped upward, and Bodhi watched as his own fingers slowly brushed a lock of hair from Cassian’s face. “You won’t.”

Cautiously, Bodhi leaned forward until their faces were less than inch apart, their breath mingling and blowing soft onto his lips. It was then that Cassian surged up with a kiss that shattered Bodhi, heart and soul.

There, standing on the flight deck with the galaxy whizzing past and Cassian’s rough hands on his jaw, Bodhi felt more right than he’d ever felt before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO IT HAPPENED!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, your support means so much to me as I write the love story I wanted these soft boys to have, and I hope that this chapter did them justice!
> 
> Thank you! XOXO


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of his kiss with Cassian isn't exactly as Bodhi would have imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so beyond sorry for how late this update it coming. My life got really busy at the end of the school year and I had major writer's block, so it took way too long for this chapter to come out. This isn't at all where I though this chapter was going to go, but it happened as I was writing, and who am I to question the muses?

Cassian pulled away with a gasp, “I’m sorry, Bodhi.”

Bodhi, dazed, could only frown in response.

“I can’t do this. We can’t do this. I’m Captain of this team. It’s irresponsible,” Cassian wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I can’t, in good conscience, do this with you. It wouldn’t be right.”

“But, you just- what are you even talking about?” Bodhi spluttered. “I care about you Cassian, and I know you feel the same! And we just kissed, didn’t you feel what I felt—“ He groaned in frustration. “What, is this because it’s me? Would it be different if I weren’t a defector?” Cassian made a move as if to say no, but Bodhi wouldn’t let him get a word in. “Because you know as well as I that that is fucking ridiculous. Whatever reason you think you have, just know that it’s bullshit.”

Cassian turned away and stared out the window, “Bodhi, I think it would be best if you went back to your bunk and tried to get some rest. I think we’re all feeling anxious about the mission, and it’s important to not let it affect our team.”

Bodhi opened his mouth to reply, but couldn’t think of anything to say. His mind was blank except for the sense of rejection that tumbled around his head. Slowly, with feet that felt as if they were encased in lead, he walked from the flight deck. Before turning the corner towards the bunks, Bodhi stopped and turned to look at Cassian again. He was still standing just as Bodhi had left him, the hard lines of his shoulders tense and his gaze resolutely trained on the passing space.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this, Cassian, but you don’t have to. Just… you’re allowed to feel, alright?” Before Cassian could reply, or just continue staring off into space, Bodhi turned the corner and returned to his bunk.

As he laid down, a mess of emotions rushed through him, taking turns rising to the surface. First confusion, then anger, then sadness, then anger again. Bodhi was frustrated, and balled his fists before punching his pillow with enough force that he was sure he must have woken Jyn, but he didn’t care. If she did wake, Jyn decided against saying anything, and Bodhi was grateful for it. He didn’t how he’d respond to anyone at the moment.

Why the fuck would Cassian do that? Bodhi wasn’t an idiot, he knew that Cassian felt something for him. He was the one who’d kissed Bodhi, after all. Did he not want to be responsible if Bodhi cracked again? Did Cassian feel like he was manipulating Bodhi, as he’s Bodhi’s superior? Or, and this was the worst possibility, did Bodhi coerce himself into believing that Cassian could actually care for him like that?

Bodhi didn’t want to think about the latter, he was afraid to as he could already feel the creeping tendrils of self-doubt and hatred creeping in, so he elected to simply remain frustrated with Cassian.

He flipped over on his back and stared at the darkness of the ceiling, fists clenching and unclenching, as he prepared himself for a long evening, and an even longer mission.

Fuck.

***

Bodhi decided that being angry was the best course of action, and refused to let up over the next few days. He avoided Cassian at all costs, immediately leaving any room that Cassian entered, before any words could be spoken. In the galley, Bodhi wouldn’t join meals in Cassian was sitting at the small table, and Cassian, in turn, wouldn’t set foot in the bunks if he knew that Bodhi was there. It was difficult, as the ship was small, but Bodhi managed to stay away. He should have known that others would catch on quickly, though, as Jyn almost immediately confronted him while he was monitoring the flight controls.

He felt her enter the room, but chose to ignore the obvious reason she’d came to see him, “Fuel’s running a bit low. We’ll have to make a stop before we get to Yavin.”

“Cut the bullshit, what’s up with you and Cass?”

Bodhi tried, and failed, to be nonchalant, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bodhi, you’re no spy. You’re easier to read than my datapad and I know something happened between you two, so you can either just come out with it now, or   
I’ll force it out later.”

“Like I said, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

With a disgruntled huff, Bodhi heard Jyn stomp away and sighed with relief.

The relief was short-lived, however, as not six hours later, Jyn found him again and declared, “He said something mean to you. About the Empire. That’s what’s   
wrong.”

“No. Not that I’m saying anything happened at all.”

Jyn practically screamed in frustration.

This went on for two more days, and as Jyn’s theories became more outlandish, and Cassian seemed to be trying to avoid as much as Bodhi was avoiding him, Bodhi became more and more grumpy. He’d had another nightmare, the same one about Cassian, and it only made everything worse. Why would his subconscious betray him like that?

He was being snappy with everyone, and though he felt guilty, especially when his irritation was misdirected at Chirrut, he couldn’t find it within himself to get over it. Bodhi was hurt. And it was a hurt that Bodhi was wholly unfamiliar with, and he had no idea how to handle it.

Thirteen hours before they were to touch down at a small shipping outpost to refuel, Jyn barged into the galley where Bodhi had been hiding and scrubbing his goggles, “You two kissed,” she practically shouted.

She was apparently not as confident in this particular idea as she had presented herself to be, because she reacted strongly when she noticed Bodhi tense up and wince softly. “Oh fuck, you did! You actually kissed! That’s why you two are carrying on as if the other doesn’t exist. This is worse than I thought. This is not good. At all.”

“Yes, thank you. I think I get the idea,” Bodhi allowed a full dose of bitterness to be directed towards Jyn.

“I’m sorry, but, couldn’t you two have worked on better timing?”

Bodhi glared in answer.

“Right, okay,” Jyn took a deep breath. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to figure it out. And don’t give me that look, this is definitely a ‘we’ situation. Because, let’s face it, it’s not exactly as if you’ve done a bang-up job handling it on your own.”

Bodhi pressed his face into his hands, “This is so messed up, Jyn, I have no idea where to even start. I’m still so angry about it.”

“Well, why don’t you tell me what happened, and we’ll start from there.”

Bodhi raised his head with a sigh and told Jyn about the kiss and what Cassian had said. And though he tried to stop himself, he told her about everything he’d been feeling about it since. The anger, the confusion, the hurt. It was surprisingly cathartic, and Bodhi felt a release when he’d finished. Jyn was looking at him like he’d grown a second head, “What?”

“Bodhi, I hate to say it, but I think you’ve got it bad.”

He didn’t have to ask what it was. “I think you’re right.”

With a small smile, Jyn reached for Bodhi’s hand and gave a little squeeze. “We’ll figure this out. I’ve got an idea, anyway.”

Bodhi hoped, for his own sake, that her idea didn’t resemble anything like the one that had gotten them all almost killed in the first place. But he smiled gratefully, and gave her hand a squeeze in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize again for how late this update is. I promise I feel guilty about it. I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, it feels a bit rushed, but I'm eager to get to some more action-y scenes, and I wanted to push some plot, so here we are.
> 
> Anyway, I thank everyone for the support they've given me. I see every comment and kudo, and it really does drive me to continue this fic, so thank you. As always, I give you all of my love, and thank you for keeping this beautiful ship alive!!

**Author's Note:**

> So I know that this is nowhere hear the actual time frame between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, but oh well. Thanks for reading!


End file.
